The 2024 NFL season is off to a notoriously fractious start, with injuries to key players, public infighting, uneven quality of play and scoring levels dipping to yawn-inducing lows, there’s a lot to hate. There’s always a lot to hate about the NFL, frankly, but this season the national ‘soap opera for jocks’ feels even easier to throw stones at. Call it karma.
Still, on the individual teams, there are pockets of optimism and signs of improvement. Here’s a guide to translate the personality of the 2024 squads into characters. It might just help you pick the next team you root for.
The Minnesota Vikings are Hannah Waddingham as Rebecca Welton in Ted Lasso
Dismissed at the beginning of the season, only to rise like a phoenix, far brighter than before.
When newly selected quarterback J.J McCarthy injured his knee in training camp, a darkness like Moria settled over the Vikings franchise. They were forced to turn to their backup QB: former Jets first round bust Sam Darnold.
Spirits were not soaring.
The first thing Kevin O’Connell, head coach of the Vikings, reportedly did was to sit down with Darnold and start simple. What routes do you love to throw to? What formations make sense to you? What type of pace are you comfortable in? The O’Connell tweaked the playbook to play the the strengths of his quarterback, rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Fast forward to week five and the Darnold-led Vikes are sitting atop their division. The defense is among the best in the league. Sam Darnold has thrown more touchdowns in four weeks than he had in the previous four years. Heap much of the praise on O’Connell, an early front-runner for coach of the year. Credit also the Vikings organization, which has been ranked a top two place to play by the NFL Players Association over the last two years. Imagine! A positive workplace environment and coaching that highlights the individual strengths of the players resulting in on-field victories! Zut alors! C’est incroyable!
The Vikings are sitting pretty atop the division at a shocking but richly deserved 4-0
Darnold’s type of rehabilitation is becoming more common than in the past. There have been a number of recent instances of former ‘throwaways’ or draft ‘busts’ being rejuvenated elsewhere and turned into viable, if not excellent players. Geno Smith, another notable Jets bust, now plays in Seattle and is a unique story of inspiration, quipping that “They wrote me off but I didn’t write them back.”
Ditto for Baker Mayfield on the Bucs, who capsized as the Cleveland Browns top pick in 2018. Malik Willis, a backup QB for Tennessee who was more of a punchline than anything else, was traded to Green Bay in the offseason and looked like an entirely new player, coming in this year to start – and win – two games when Packers quarterback Jordan Love was injured in week one.
In a league where quality play at the quarterback position is a scarcity, this is a good sign. But it requires coaches who have the temperament to help a player retool their game. The Vikings are looking like a team with the right coach and the right priorities. Another franchise may have gone belly-up when their starter went down, but the Vikings are thriving. They’re lethal on both sides of the ball, feature the top wide receiver in the game, and brought in a something-to-prove Aaron Jones from the division rival Packers to anchor the backfield. So far he looks like a world beater.
With their All-Star Tight End coming back on line from a season ending injury last year and a collection of skill players that are difficult to cover, the sky’s the limit for this Minnesota team.
Fantasy Tip: Jordan Addison is nearly uncoverable. Teams will bracket cover Justin Jefferson and there’s no one around Addison for three yards in any direction. Get him on your team!
The Green Bay Packers are Jake Johnson as Nick Miller on New Girl
No matter how much they drive us nuts, they’re nearly impossible to dislike.*
*Not applicable for residents of Michigan, Illinois, or Minnesota.
Coach of the year option #2: Matt Lafleur. Both he and the Vikes’ Kevin O’Connell are branches of the ‘coaching tree’ that doth sprout from Los Angeles Rams coach Sean McVeigh. (The much heralded McVeigh coaching tree is actually a branch of the Jon Gruden coaching tree, which is a branch of the almighty Mike Holmgren coaching tree). Sometimes, these coaching trees are full of bad fruit, like the malignant hellspawn branches that came from former Patriots coach Bill Belichick. But McVeigh’s tree is mui impressive, and both O’Connell and Lafleur are legit.
Any time a team has a likable quarterback and coach, the predominant front-facing elements of any franchise, it makes it easy for people to pull for them. That’s the case here. Jordan Love is ascending, a true shooting star. They have a cadre of homegrown wide receivers and tight ends who are young, fast and nearly unstoppable and they brought in a storied veteran rumored to be on a career downslope to buffet Green Bay’s historic ground game. The defense is plucky and improving. They opened up with a holy shit moment when they lost their quarterback in week one, but they managed to scrap their way to two unlikely wins in his absence and now that he’s back, all roads lead to Rome.
The Packers look to prove that they’re better than their 2-2 record.
The NFC North is my favorite division in football this year. Every team is a contender. Sort of. With an asterisk. Looking at you Chicago. But before we get there, let’s look at what might be the most fun team in the division.
Fantasy Tip: In the rush for Dontavian Wicks to be a thing, people are dropping Christian Watson. Don’t confuse the fluke that just happened with his historic soft tissue injuries. When he’s back he’ll be the primary red zone target. Also, Tucker Kraft is real.
The Detroit Lions are Jodie Comer as Villanelle on Killing Eve
Yeah, she’s they’re more than a little bit nuts. But they’re going to find a way, no matter what.
Sometimes when I watch Lions coach Dan Campbell on the sidelines as his face silently turns crimson I wonder if he’ll spontaneously combust. I love Dan Campbell. Every friend of mine who loves football wants to play for Dan Campbell. I’d run through a dilapidated barn door for Dan Campbell.
But the Lions are cursed. Always have been, always will be. When the current regime does things right, which happens most of the time, the curse refuses to let them be rewarded for it. Campbell took over for one of the aforementioned members of the Belichick coaching tree who destroyed the franchise, and with brilliant General Manager Brad Holmes, they have turned this shitshow into a world class organization dedicated to one word: grit.
There is nothing this organization lacks in 2024. The defense, led by superstar Aiden Hutchinson, is excellent. The running game dual threat of masher David Montgomery and slasher Jahmeer Gibbs is terrifying. They have all-world pass catchers at every position. They have hit more on players in the draft than any team over the last three years. To my eye, the only thing that can beat this team is themselves, which is probably why Dan Campbell turns red on the sidelines every week.
The Lions sit at 3-1, their only loss coming in a surprising defeat at the hands of a spunky Tampa Bay team.
Fantasy Tip: Offer the farm for Sam LaPorta before he comes back from his week 5 bye. Tight ends are hot trash this year. His numbers will correct.
The Chicago Bears are Alia Shawkat as Angela Adams on The Old Man
Because they were utterly convincing as one thing, and now we’re seeing that they’re something else entirely.
And then there’s Da Berrs. They had the #1 pick in the 2024 NFL draft and grabbed the consensus best quarterback in Caleb Williams. They also picked one of the best receivers in the draft. They brought in Pro-bowl receiver Keenan Allen from the Chargers. They rebuilt the offensive line. The defense is top five in the league.
Never, sang the bards in the offseason, had a quarterback EVER come into a better situation. It was plug and play, a Ferarri idling, tailor made for a championship. So why do the Bears kinda/sorta suck?
Look no further than the most questionable branch of the noble McVeigh tree, Offensive Coordinator Shane Waldron. It’s not a surprise to see white men failing upward, but I look at Bears head coach Matt Eberflus, a member of the Eric Mangini (and thus, the Bill Belichick) coaching tree and wonder what he was thinking. Waldron ran a stale, predictable, analog offense in Seattle last season and lo, when mighty King Eberflus surveyed all the playcallers in all the lands, the grace of his eye fell upon Shane Waldron.
Kind of difficult to drive a Ferarri when you’re more suited to tractors. Even in this young season, the Bears skill players have had to perform a mini-intervention with their boss, begging him to be more aggressive with his playcalling. The same type of thing happened once upon a time in Baltimore with head coach John Harbaugh and they went on to raise the Lombardi Trophy that very same year. So, here’s hoping Waldron got the message and they can shift this high-potential offense into gear.
Fantasy Tip: Odunze is the most talented receiver on this roster, but it will likely be week ten before that translates into meaningful numbers.
The Dallas Cowboys are Jeremy Strong as Kendall Roy on Succession
The heir apparent, but if we’re honest, it’s much more fun to watch them fail in epic fashion.
The 2024 Cowboys are a colostomy bag full of vinegar. Their once-vaunted defense is getting pulled apart like a sheep carcass at a hyena retirement party. Their leaders are turning on each other. Their coach, a sentient yam, looks as befuddled as a moose in the nanosecond before the zamboni slams into it. He brings all the vibrancy and pre-snap motion you might expect to an offense run by a Boomer. I’ve eaten root vegetables with more imagination.
This season looks like a disaster in the making for ‘America’s Team’, and it couldn’t happen to a more deserving owner in Jerry Jones. The Cowboys sit at 2-2 thanks to flaccid wins over two junk teams. Yes, they still have a decent quarterback, but they committed the greatest sin during the draft in letting Jonathon Brooks get past them and onto Carolina’s roster. They have no run game. They have no depth. The offense is tired and janky. The defense is splitting at the seams. All their players are entitled. The Cowboys think they get to win because they’re the Cowboys, but teams are lining up this season to disabuse them of that notion.
How this is the most valuable franchise in football is a mystery I’ll never quite wrap my head around, but knowing that Jerry Jones can’t take his money or one more NFL championship with him when he flies coach down to an eternity in hell is comfort enough.
Fantasy Tip: Dalvin Cook is not the answer. He was washed two years ago.
The New York Giants are Vince Vaughn as Andrew Yancy in Bad Monkey
On first blush I thought I’d hate it, and yeah, I do. I hate it.
(God, look at those stupid fucking glasses.)
The G-men aren’t alright. They blew a king’s ransom to bring back the very average Daniel Jones at quarterback, but I actually don’t blame them for that. There are 32 teams in the NFL but not 32 starting caliber quarterbacks. It never fails to amaze me that the NFL gets away with that, year after year.
On the plus side, they finally got rid of that terrible affliction of class, smiles, effort and excellence in the running back known as Saquon Barkley. Good riddance! Who needs leadership, focus and excitement? Take that nonsense to our division rivals in Philly!
It’s hard to make heads or tails of the Giants. Coach Brian Daboll, he of the Belichick tree, was coach of the year a year ago and now that looks like Narnia. If you squint you’re like did that really happen or did I just eat too much Turkish Delight? They did manage to score in the draft with a force of nature at wide receiver known as Malik Nabers, but everything else on the team feels like a work in progress and not necessarily heading in that direction. The Giants have the curb appeal of an Appalachian double wide, the leadership of a box of Yodels and the kinetic potential of dripping lemon juice on a penny. At 1-3, this is as good as it’s gonna get.
Fantasy Tip: Tyrone Tracy has some juice, but he’ll never unseat Singletary. Roster accordingly.
The Philadelphia Eagles are Colin Farrell as Oz Cobb in The Penguin
High production value, but man oh man, does it ever feel unsatisfying.
The Eagles are always good-ish, and they’re good-ish again this season. But not good in the way they should be good-ish. Mensch QB Jalen Hurts should be settling into his Brady years as an elder statesman, sitting back with a pipe and patiently taking whatever the defense gives him, killing you with death by a thousand cuts. It should feel easier. It should feel like Philly has arrived.
Instead it feels scattershot. Confusing. Hairbrained. Unserious. SNAFU.
Maybe it’s just the injuries. The Eagles have both of their top receivers on the mend, and that certainly leaves a mark. But Saquon Barkley coming over from New York has been a revelation. I remember watching him last season, it was probably week 13 or so, playing in a no-win game for the Giants on an offense that sucked balls and he was out there fighting for every inch. I remember thinking “I love this guy.” Then he signed with Philadelphia and I was determined to draft him in fantasy football, but I made the mistake of listening to “pundits” who broke all the numbers down and explained how, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Saquon to the Eagles was fool’s gold.
Idiot that I am, I believed them. Don’t be me, friends. Don’t listen to fantasy football pundits. The best of them barely have a 50% hit rating. Believe your eyes.
Barkley has been nothing short of amazing this season, so why do the Eagles feel so…off?
I think it’s the defense. Part of the enduring legacy of the once-upon-a-time Eagles is devastating, swarming defenses. Defenses that dictate to you and not the other way around. It really started last season but if feels worse this year. They can’t stop anyone. Teams look forward to playing the Eagles D. That puts more pressure on the Offense to score and ends up forcing some questionable decisions. It surprised me that the defense wasn’t truly addressed in the offseason, but not Pajiba co-founder and part-time foot model Seth Freilich, who said:
“It’s really not a surprise. The team on both sides is basically exactly what they were for last year’s back-end collapse + Saquon. I was curious if (defensive co-ordinator Vic) Fangio would do more with the same so-so talent and we have our answer. But it’s also early enough that that could still course correct, though I don’t think they will.”
The Eagles are certainly better than their 2-2 record, but it remains to be seen just how much better.
Fantasy Tip: You likely won’t be able to talk A.J. Brown owners into a trade, but you might be able to get DeVonta Smith for half the price and 7/8ths of the fantasy value.
The Washington Commanders are Freddie Stroma as Vigilante in Peacemaker
You think you truly know a franchise and then not only does it perfectly course correct, but one person absolutely blows your fucking mind.
(Vigilante is a tour-de-force performance, displaying a level of comedy I had no idea Stroma had. He sneaks up on you, but hot damn! Watch it and enjoy.)
I can’t remember the last time I had a kind word or thought for the Washington D.C. team. Then the NFL forced archdevil Dan Snyder to sell and the Commanders drafted my favorite young quarterback, Heisman trophy winner Jayden Daniels.
This dude, to quote the young’uns, is him. I don’t even like that term, but it was basically created for this player. He is not of this planet.
I’ll spare you all the numbers, but in his first four games, the Commanders basically don’t punt the ball. He scores on every drive. He stands back there, takes the snap, you watch his head as he goes through 3-4 quick reads, and if he doesn’t snap off a cannon on a frozen rope, he takes two steps and this dude is a puff of smoke. Comparing anyone to Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson is often a tongue in cheek exercise, but Daniels moves like that. Like he’s at half speed when everyone else is at a dead sprint and no one can catch him. He makes it look effortless.
Oh and his completion percentage through the first four games is the highest of any quarterback in his first four games in NFL history. Ho hum!
WATCH HIM HERE. DEAR SWEET BABY JESU, HE GOOD.
Now, there are always two things that happen to aliens from the planet Speed who can run like this as quarterback:
1) They get hurt and poof: their careers are over
2) Teams get a book on them.
Number two is certainly coming. Daniels, like any player, will have tendencies that will become apparent as he plays more games, and then defensive coordinators will scheme to stop them. That happens with every player.
As for the first possibility? I’m not a religious man, but I pray to the football gods to please please please not let this beautiful athlete get injured. He is a gift from the heavens, sent to make us cheer and smile and shake our heads like elderly farmers and whistle HOOOOO BOY! at our neighbors. It doesn’t matter which team you root for: when you see a young player of this caliber, you feel thankful that you got to see him during your lifetime.
The Commanders sit atop the NFC East at 3-1.
Fantasy Tip: Keep an eye on backup tight end Ben Sinnot later in the season.
On to the NFC South!
The Atlanta Falcons are Meryl Streep as Loretta Durkin in Only Murders in the Building
We know the drill, yadda yadda yadda, but maybe bringing in a beloved fixture will spruce it up a bit.
The Falcons are a good franchise. Aaaaaand scene. That’s it. That’s about as much as we can ever say about them. But this year, they took the plunge and spent a fortune to bring in aging gunslinger Kirk Cousins, coming off a season-ending injury in Minnesota. Cousins is…different. Goddamn does he have an arm, but his head sometimes gets him into trouble. He’s quantified by teammates as an oddity. However you categorize him, The Falcons decided that after trying to bake up their own QB muffins in Atlanta, this season they wisely ordered out.
And they also drafted a top tier quarterback of the future, Michael Penix, for which they were roundly mocked. I think it’s smart. I think most teams have it dead wrong. If I ran an NFL franchise I’d draft four QB’s a year. You can practically replace any other position, but not the quarterback. If you don’t have a QB, you don’t have a team. (See: Dolphins, Miami)
Most people expected the Falcons to pop off this year and instead they feel like a water slide where your skin catches on it on the way down. It’s like wheeeeeeeee….aaaaaaagh! But still worth it.
The Falcons have all the pieces, much like the Lions. There isn’t a single, glaring issue with the team except a very common malady unique to Kirk Cousins-led teams: they have no identity. The Falcons have no idea who they are. They should have beaten the Kansas City Chiefs, but managed not to. They should have lost to the Eagles but managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat. This team could be 4-0 as easily as they could be 0-4. It’s a masterwork of possibility.
I really like head coach Raheem Morris, of the Jon Gruden coaching tree, and the Falcons are positively loaded with talent. The Falcons are a middling 2-2, which is disappointing based on early expectations.
UPDATE: They played one of the best Thursday night games in NFL history to kick off week 5 and somehow, magically, managed to beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Cousins threw for 509 yards and 4 touchdowns to win in overtime. That’s not a typo. It was the most yards thrown for in Falcons history. Days later and I’m still on a high from it. The Falcons had no business winning that game, and yet they found a way.
Fantasy Tip: Mooney might just end up with more fantasy points than London for half the price. If you can move Bijan for a player you covet, think about it. A typical Bijan play is for him to snatch a pass out of the air with one hand, spin past a defender who’s about to cream him in the backfield, jump cut sideways through an impossible hole, drop his head and blast a safety back three yards and fall forward for the first down, only to have the whole play called back for a holding call away from the ball. I don’t know what’s going on with Bijan, but he was drafted before a bunch of guys that I think any Bijan owner would rather have. Saquon. Henry. KWIII. Kamara. Jordan Mason. Jonathan Taylor. Kyren Williams. After game five he’s the 14th ranked back in fantasy, because he has a full game on everyone else. Some might think this is the time to go get him, but I haven’t seen any indication that his usage is set to change.
The Carolina Panthers are Adam Brody as Noah in Nobody Wants This
At first you’re like, do I even want to see this? And then, quickly, you’re like yes please. More please.
The Panthers exploded onto the 2024 season like a full diaper dropped out of a low-flying Cessna. It was tragic. This confounded me because I’m a big fan of new head coach Dave Canales. He sort of looks like frat boy #3 but he’s a damn good coach. A real-deal kind of coach. I had been expecting Carolina to educate some fools but they looked absolutely terrible.
Canales has the reputation of being a “quarterback whisperer” in that he can take a spooked thoroughbred, calm them and get them back on their game. This was the expectation for Canales to repair last year’s #1 overall pick, Bryce Young. The young man just looked lost last season.
This year, he looked worse. No one had that on their bingo card. Canales came to a post-game presser supporting his quarterback after a second thumping, and then a day later he had the courage to bench Young. He had reviewed the game film. Young was a disaster. It was time for the Red Rifle to step up.
Game three and in comes backup QB Andy Dalton, throwing for three hundred yards and three scores to shock the Raiders. The Panthers scored 13 points total in their first two games and dropped 36 on the Raiders. It was like watching a different team.
Dalton is staying in as the starter. The Panthers are bruised but not beaten. They’re 1-3 on the year but no longer an easy out for opponents. Under Canales’ leadership, I have no question they’re going to improve.
Fantasy Tip: If your league allows an IR spot Stash Jonathon Brooks.
The New Orleans Saints are Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Richie Jerimovich on The Bear
You’re like: Do I hate this guy? I think I fucking hate this guy. But then he surprises you and wears suits now.
I said before the season that I expected Saints coach Dennis Allen, a black hole of personality where joy goes to die, to be the first coach fired this season. I expected the Saints to suck.
They do not.
On the contrary, they’re firing on all cylinders. Running back Alvin Kamara looks like he’s reversed the aging process and leads all back in the league. He looked like a rickety pile of glued-up balsa wood and arthritis last year. I have no idea who this dude is but goddamn he looks great.
Quarterback Derek Carr is playing some of the best football of his life. His receivers are fast and awesome. The defense is intimidating. Not since the storied Drew Brees days of yore has an Ain’ts team looked this good.
But wait, is it a mirage? Is it a symptom of the fact that there’s a condensed preseason so no teams play their starters and so things are kind of all over the place for the first three weeks?
No.
This team is actually good. I love the city of New Orleans so I’m thrilled for them. I also wil forever relive the look on Cowboys owner Jerry Jones face when the Saints dropped in to curbstomp the Cowboys in Arlington, 44-19 and it wasn’t that close. MMMmmmmm. If you could only smoke a memory.
The Saints dropped two close ones to good teams and sit at 2-2 but they’re hungry and they’re dangerous. It’s hard for me to take them too seriously because a fish always stinks from the head and I have a hard time imagining players playing hard for Dennis Allen, but we’ll see.
Fantasy Tip: Raheed Shaheed isn’t just a deep threat anymore.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are Issa Rae as Issa Dee on Insecure
At first all you see is the comedy, but then the skill demands that you take them seriously.
This is how it should have gone for Baker Mayfield. He should have always been a scrappy underdog. It’s more his brand. Instead he was drafted too high and bombed out under the weight of those unattainable expectations. Now he’s where he should be and his talent is evident. This team is a thunderclap that few people saw coming.
The nitty gritty is this: Baker knows how to deal and on one side he has Mike Evans and on the other he has Chris Godwin. Both receivers are elite. In the backfield they have a young player named Bucky Irving who is currently the backup, but has the type of feel for the game where you just know he’s going to level up.
But for me the key is Defensive tackle Vita Vea. INSERT RASING ARIZONA I LOVE HIM SO MUCH GIF. Full name: Tevita Tuliʻakiʻono Tuipulotu Mosese Vaʻhae Fehoko Faletau Vea. God, I love this guy. When he’s healthy, this is a different team. He’s 6’4”, 350 pounds of prime real estate directly in the middle of the Buccaneer’s line. He’s like if you drop K2 into the middle of the field. You can try to go around him, but bah gawd you will not go through him.
The Bucs are coached by Todd Bowles, one of the best people in the league, and currently sit in the catbird seat atop the NFC South at 3-1.
UPDATE: The Bucs lost a goddamned scorcher to the Falcons on Thursday night, dropping them to 3-2. They had no business losing. The were in command of the game the entire time. But you cannot let a quarterback throw for 509 yards on you and expect to win. That’s something defensive-minded Todd Bowles will seek to correct this week. I came in to Thursday thinking this team was good and they looked even better than I remembered. The sky’s the limit if they can steady that defense.
Fantasy Tip: Bucky Irving is excellent, but he won’t become the primary back without a major injury to Raschad White.
The Arizona Cardinals are Adria Arjona as Bix Calleen in Andor
Everything looks great but you just kind of know they’re fucked from the get-go.
I was super impressed by what Cards head coach Jonathan Gannon did with this team last season. I thought the young coach with the punchable, Ansel Elgort-type face was a bullshit bridge hire between actual coaches. But then the lads played hard for him. That’s how you know a coach has something. In games where the Cards were beat, they never gave up and they fought to the end.
This year, expectations are higher. They have their franchise quarterback, Kyler Murray, healthy and drafted the son of an NFL legend to anchor their wide receiver corps for years to come. Pedigree is one thing, but Marvin Harrison Jr has all the moves.
So far, the results are mixed. Sometimes the Cards look capable, but more often than that they look sloppy and undisciplined. The defense is a dad joke and they have the vibe of a team you only have to punch once to stagger them and get them to cower.
A perennial bottom dweller in the division considered by many to be the toughest in football, the real wake up call came last week when they were favored to annihilate the upstart Washington Commanders and their wunderkind, and instead Jayden Daniels pushed their shit in, 42-14. You could almost feel the Cardinals sigh, pack up all their hopes and dreams and decide to lose out the rest of the way. They need a spark of some kind, and maybe it’s the return of promising tight end Trey McBride from injury, but at 1-3, this team feels like it’s already thinking about turtle mode.
Fantasy Tip: I have high hopes for WR Michael Wilson, but mostly because he’s engaged to USWNT goddess Sophia Smith. If she likes him, I like him.
The Los Angeles Rams are Bryce Dallas Howard as Elly Conway in Argylle
Like, yes. You wrote the book on all this shit. But theory and practice are two very different things.
I’ve waxed poetic about the Sean McVeigh coaching tree, and with good reason. But studying the root of the tree itself, it’s hard to figure out what McVeigh is going for other than surviving the year so he can get some better players.
McVeigh is no slouch. He knows what players can do and sets them up for success. Do I think he designs his whole look around trying to be Guile from Street Fighter? Yes. Yes I do.
Also he has cuckoo-clock madness eyes and a smile like he’s about to yell Redrum and hack down a door. Every time I see his crazy eyes and that expression that looks like he’s a nine year old who stole every cookie from the cookie jar, I remember that he did. He met his wife Veronika, originally from Ukraine, while she was studying to get her masters degree and he was an underpaid young assistant coach. She must like ‘em crazy! (Show this picture to all the right-wingers you know and ask them if we should really deport ALL the immigrants.)
That said, the dude is a savant. How he’s able to take a scad of runabouts and almost-rans and reconstitute them into terrors is nothing short of amazing. Everyone shied away from running back Kyren Williams because of his laughable 40 yard dash time. McVeigh turned him into an all-star in his rookie year. Journeyman Matthew Stafford has more air miles on him than a 757 and McVeigh makes him look like he’s constantly in his prime.
But the Rams have no defense and McVeigh knows it. He lost the best defender in the NFL when Aaron Donald hung up his skates in March and now the only way the Rams can win is to outscore everyone who will likely score on them at will. It’s a tall order.
The Rams are 1-3 in the cellar of a division you never want to be in the basement of.
Fantasy Tip: See if you can pry Puka Nacua away from a desperate owner. The sooner you do, the lower the cost.
The San Francisco 49ers are Richard Brake as The Night King in Game of Thrones
Terrifying. Looming. Capable. Precise. Every weapon in the book. No weaknesses. Buuuuuut they never really make it to Winterfell, do they?
Oh the Niners. The poor, poor Niners. Last year was 100% their year and they fucked it up. That’s what head coach Kyle Shanahan does best. Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that Kyle Shanahan isn’t a brilliant football mind. He is. I just don’t think anyone wants to play for him. The dude looks like a war criminal on the sidelines and he manages to turn the joy of a game into the antiseptic feel of a hospital operating room. You can’t judge a book by its cover, even if the cover is depression-inducing RBF. I just wish this dude would eat an oreo or watch Bluey or find some joy in his life.
So what do you do when you know you missed your moment? Well, we’re seeing it now. It begins with not telling anyone that arguably the best player in the league, your starting running back Christian McCaffrey, has a case of tendonitis so painful that it’s actually impeding him from training. Then you fail to mention that it’s in both legs.
“Thank you very much, good sir!” was a universal refrain from every fantasy football coach who selected CMC first overall in their drafts.
Note: It bears no direct relevance to this piece, but in our league it was Pajiba Comedy Editor Dan Hamamura. Dan is the best person on the planet, which I’m sure you all know from listening to him on Podjiba. Conversely, I am the worst person and because of that, the gods routinely smite me in fantasy football, using both Hawaii’s own Dan Hamamura as well as Pajiba founder and benevolent hayseed Dustin Rowles as twin cudgels of righteous destruction to perennially dash my hopes of victory. It is…constant. But for once, the fantasy gods have turned their gaze away from noble monk Dan Hamamura and I have chosen to read that as a changing of the guard. I don’t know who’s cheetos you peed on, but karma’s a bitch, Dan.
Back to the Niners. A holdout from budding superstar wide receiver Brandon Aiyuk has somehow turned him from an every-week weapon to a guy who looks like he’s just cashing a paycheck. That said, Best Dudes in the NFL George Kittle and Deebo Samuel are A-OK and second year pro QB and all-time feel-good story of the cream rises to the top Brock Purdy is playing lights out this year and subtly has massaged some areas of his game to be even more impressive than last year.
The defense is still very good, bordering on elite, and the offense should be able to score at will. The hopeful among us who adore CMC and want to see him play again are trying to remain optimistic that a recent trip to Germany for cutting edge treatment will pay off with him rejoining the team at season’s end, when he’ll bring a huge boost to the enterprise. (Why don’t we have that cutting edge treatment in ‘Murica? Well, maybe that’s a topic for another day.)
Fantasy Tip: Ricky Pearsall is coming off the PUP. If there are injuries to the top three receivers, he could be an instant contributor.
The Seattle Seahawks are Aliette Opheim as Detective Agathe Albans in Patriot
Just a goddamn spirit of bristling intelligence and supernatural tenacity.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from the end of the Pete Carroll era in Seattle. New, doe-eyed 37-year old coach Mike MacDonald has the face of a little boy. He’s fucking adorbs.
Plus I knew that his entire football coaching career was spent being batted around like a shuttlecock between the Harbaugh brothers, Jim and John.
So what would the kid do out in the big bright world all by his lonesome?
Make great decisions. After all, he did graduate Summa Cum Laude with a degree in finance.
To start, he made my favorite hire of the offseason, bringing in Ryan Grubb to run the offense. Now, I’ll admit that on the surface Ryan Grubb looks like a pissed off hockey dad who’s considering beating up your 11-year old, but he knows offense.
All Ryan Grubb does is take over offenses and then makes them sing. For the first time since he entered the league, a coach of human wrecking ball/mach 3 torpedo D.K. Metcalf has identified him accurately as a player you might just want to feature. Ditto for Kenneth Walker in the backfield.
The defense is improved. The offense is improved. Every single indicator of franchise success is pointing upward for this team and in that way, the impact of Mike MacDonald can’t be understated. My favorite game of the season was last week when the Seahawks lost to the Lions. The Lions got off to the races one series before the Seahawks and the rest was a scoring bonanza. It was like human fireworks. Just an explosion of offense and a race to catch Detroit before the final whistle. It ended with the Seahawks losing 29-42 but I feel like the entire league watched them level up before our eyes. That was their only loss of the young season, and they’re in the driver’s seat in the West at 3-1. This is a dangerous team.
Fantasy Tip: Jake Bobo isn’t worth rostering unless one of the top three wideouts gets hurt.
The Baltimore Ravens are Regina King as Angela Abar in Watchmen
I’ve had a few rough years, and now I’m gonna give them to you.
Speaking of dangerous teams, hooooooooo boy! The Ravens were one of the top three teams in the league last year and they only got better. If it wasn’t for KC coach Andy Reid having Ravens coach John Harbaugh’s decision making matrix stolen and encoded on hard drive to ensure a win every time, Baltimore would be the team to beat in the NFL.
Here’s the thing: you don’t let them get him.
The Ravens are a tough as iron, no fuckin’ around blue collar, lunchpail team. Always have been. They hit you in the mouth harder than you can hit them back. That’s how they win. It’s not flashy. They run the ball, limit mistakes, play great defense, intimidate opponents, and score enough to win. Barely, sometimes, but they manage.
So what you don’t do is allow them to acquire Paul Bunyan.
In the offseason, they signed former Tennessee Titans behemoth running back Derrick Henry to tote the rock for them and now we all need to hide our children and make peace with our gods. Because a black and purple storm is ‘bout to hit every NFL franchise in the country and leave a tale of woe in its wake.
Even if you’re not a fan of ‘Murican-style football, I urge you to just watch what happens when you take a generational talent, suggest he’s over the hill and that he’s lost a gear, and then put him on the team with the biggest chip on their shoulder in the league. You know what, don’t take my word for it. Just look.
Yeahhhhhhhhh. The fastest player that week was KC’s 165-pound, 21 year old wideout Xavier Worthy, at 21.46 miles per hour. Right after him was 30 year old, over-the-hill, lost-a-gear 6’3” 250 lb Derrick Henry, at 21.29 miles per hour. He reportedly spends a quarter of a million dollars a year on his body, just to keep it running at peak performance.
In a world where players finances are dependent upon the maintenance of their health, I ask you: who will step in front of this man when it gets cold?
The Ravens barely throw the ball anymore. They have the best running quarterback in NFL history and if you spy him, he hands off to Henry. If you key your linebackers to stop Henry, Lamar Jackson cackles like the Riddler as he runs the other way for a first down. If you stack the box, they just pop it over your head to any one of several gifted receivers and tight ends with great ball skills. Pick your poison! You gon’ die either way!
I thought the Super Bowl last year would be the Ravens vs the Niners. KC always manages to overachieve at season’s end. Despite that, I’m hard pressed to see how anyone stymies this ground war, especially when the snows hit Connecticut and the Yeti awaken.
The Ravens dropped two winnable games, one to an absolute compost pile of a Raiders team, before they settled on the right formula. At 2-2 it’s going to be a while before they allow a team to add to their loss column.
Fantasy Tip: I know this team doesn’t throw much, but I can’t forget the absolute clinic Isaiah Likely put on in week one. I’m stashing him along with Keaton Mitchell, who should be back around week 8-10.
The Cincinnati Bengals are Eliza Coupe as Tiger on Future Man
Because the second you discount them, they become lethal.
Cincy starts slow. It’s basically their brand now. They open up, look like dogwater, lose a few games, cause their fanbase to consider quitting football and life, not necessarily in that order, and then they start to win. Everyone goes OH! and then they yell “WHERE HAS THIS TEAM BEEN?”
That’s the Bungles. Maybe it’s McVeigh tree head coach Zac Taylor. Maybe it’s Tom Brady-lite franchise QB Joe Burrow. Maybe it’s always-mildly-displeased superstar receiver Jamaar Chase. Maybe it’s a symptom of life in Ohio. I don’t know. But it happens every year and when the Bengals eventually heat up, they come to play.
This year is no exception. They dropped the season opener to the woeful New England Patriots and fans were notifying next of kin. That was dark. Then they scored 25 on the Chiefs and lost by a point and 33 on the Commanders and lost by 5. It took them four tries to get their first win, last week over a vastly improved Panthers team.
The Bengals know how to score. The question is if they have the means to prevent others from doing the same to them. There isn’t a lot of glitz to Cincinnati this season. They’re like grandma’s old drapes. Functional but meh. Unlike many of these other teams, the Bengals don’t have exciting big name recruits to fuel the excitement (with the exception of second year wideout Andrei Iosivas – I love the soft hands on this dude). They just have a very solid core and skill players who know what to do, but the vibe of the team is all off. It’s not like Atlanta where they don’t know who they are. They know exactly who they are, they just don’t like themselves. They’re the Tom Ripley to the Dickie Greenleaf of the Chiefs. They wish they could be a contender, but deep down, they know they don’t have the mettle. At 1-3 they have a lot to prove to themselves if they want to get out of the hole they’re already in.
Fantasy Tip: Iosivas. He’s got something special. Long. Amazing body control. Phenomenal natural hand catcher. His time is coming.
The Cleveland Browns are Aziz Ansari as Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation
Impossible to root for.
I know some of you probably like Tom Haverford. Perhaps you should consider talk therapy. I don’t have a tremendous amount to say about the Browns other than the fact that their quarterback is like a plague and they’re just a gross franchise. I really love Nick Chubb and after a horrific injury last season, it’s nice to see him running again. Other than that, this is a sewer of a franchise.
It’s hard to point to anything worth talking about on this franchise. Myles Garrett is a hell of a player on defense, but it feels like the whole unit has take a step back this year. They were building up the defense year after year to try to make it elite, and just when it seemed like they might actually get there, it unraveled. Now they look good but not great. No one wants to play in Cleveland. Free agents don’t sign there unless they’re desperate. It’s like a bad comedy club in that you only get good players when they’re coming up before they leave for better places and when they’re at the tail end of their careers when they cant get work anywhere else.
The Browns are 1-3. I just want to see them put their starting QB out to pasture and let Jameis Winston throw six touchdowns and five picks a game for them. At least that would be worth watching.
Fantasy Tip: Nick Chubb. You never know. Keep tabs on David Njoku as well.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are Cara Gee as Camina Drummer on The Expanse
Because you might not like them but by god you will respect them.
Mike Tomlin is the longest tenured coach in the league and he’s never had a losing season. That’s incredible, especially when you consider the pile of feces some of these Steelers teams were over the years.
But…quarterback. That’s the rub for the Steelers. They haven’t had a good one for years, and contrary to what snake oil the NFL may continue to spoon-feed us: you cannot win without a good one. Period.
So rather than trying to draft one or train one up from inside the organization, the Steelers capitulated and lured two castaways to Western PA. One is a former all star who plays like a never-been-an all star, like he forgot everything he ever knew. The other is a young prodigy with athletic prowess and a five cent head that another team flat out gave up on.
They said the veteran was the starter but he got an ouchie, so the prodigy started, and wouldn’t you know it, thanks to the miracle of great coaching and franchise that tries to actually improve, the prodigy is playing pretty well. Well enough that many people now want them to ship the veteran out of Dodge so he doesn’t come in and muck up the works, which is sort of his brand.
The Steelers defense is nasty, and keeps them in every game. Pretty much. It should have every Yinzer in the world skoot to their core that they got 27 dropped on them by a Joe Flacco led Indy team last week. That’s not Steelers football.
To my eye, the real problem is, like Matt Eberflus in Chicago, Mike Tomlin scanned the landscape for offensive help and the man he picked to replace one of the worst coordinators in recent memory is one of the most insane coordinators in recent memory. Arthur Smith was fired as the head coach of the Falcons and Atlantans breathed a sigh of relief. His offense was like a comedy of errors. He didn’t seem to understand the importance of prioritizing your best playmakers. It was confounding.
But not as confounding as Mike Tomlin inviting him to run the offense in Steel City.
This defense will generally keep them in any game as long as T.J. Watt stays healthy, but I have my doubts about the rest. I don’t believe that Justin Fields can magically hit his third read and that the slowness and lack of vision disease which has plagued lead running back Najeh Harris will be fixed by Arthur Smith. The one bright spot for me is Cordarelle Patterson, who is so electric when he runs that Najeh Harris gets electrocuted on the metal bench on the sidelines. If only he could stay healthy.
The Steelers, despite my concerns, are 3-1 and sit atop the AFC North.
Fantasy Tip: Buy low on George Pickens. The fact that he doesn’t have a touchdown yet is an affront to everyone with eyes.
The Buffalo Bills are Jon Hamm as Don Draper on Mad Men
Sure is shiny! But is the answer actually the problem?
Now we arrive at the low point of the piece, the AFC East. Ye gods what a shithole this division is. They should pay us to watch it.
Okay, so the Bills. How long have the Bills been contenders? Forever, it seems. And how often do they win it all? That’s not necessarily an indictment. How many teams actually win it all? The problem is that it feels like the Billies are always in that conversation and they always manage to fall short.
So the Bills are already in my doghouse because I loved Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit and then in Dickinson and I have an irrational fear that instead of her classing him up he’s MAGAing her up. I’m sure that’s not true, but she’s fantastic. BE CAREFUL GURL!
Josh Allen is an outstanding football player. Over and over again, when I feel like we’ve seen all his moves, he finds ways to be fresh and push the boundaries. I will never understand how he hit that 52-yard wing-and-a-prayer bomb to Khalil Shakir the other day while running out of bounds. This is what he does, defenders! Mark up until the whistle!
The problem with having a player like that is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He can will us to victories because he’s so good. And it’s true. He has. I’ve seen it. But there’s a ceiling on that style of play and it doesn’t necessarily translate into Lombardis.
Letting a player like Stephan Diggs go to the Texans without replacing him severely inhibits Buffalo’s ability to stretch the field and dictate coverage. James Cook is rounding into a truly impressive back and I love the toughness of Ray Davis behind him, but I can’t help but think this offense is a bit under-equipped and because of that, they’ll lean into Josh Allen until it takes a toll on him. Or doesn’t. Tom Brady won Super Bowls with lackluster casts around him, maybe Allen can do the same. The Bills sit at 3-1, in clear command of a terrible division.
Fantasy Tip: Allen is trusting Keon Coleman a lot more than I thought he would this early. Arrow pointing up, and he’s a goddamn riot you want to root for.
The Miami Dolphins are Larry the Cable Guy as Tow Mater in Cars
Uhhhhh…I’m pretty sure we should think more about head injuries with this one.
What a joke. What a horrible joke. I’m not going to spend too much time on the Fins, as most people have asked “why, when you know your starter is prone to head injuries, wouldn’t you have the best backup QB in the league?”
Because then you couldn’t afford the aforementioned injury-prone quarterback, as well as players like Tyreek Hill and Jalen Ramsey.
The worst part is how fired up I was last season to have an atypical, Ivy-educated coach on an NFL sideline. I hoped he would usher in a new era of dorks in charge, rather than guys like Sean Payton and Mike McCarthy, who would be thugs for hire on the dark web if they weren’t in football.
But man, has Mike McDaniel’s stock taken a hit, and just weeks after the Dolphins signed him to a four year extension. Speed kills, y’all! Teams that live on the edge die on the edge. In the most recent Monday night game where his Fins got tattooed by the feckless Tennessee Titans, McDaniel stared wide-eyed from the sideline, like a prepubescent child watching his home burn down. He was utterly without a plan, or at least, appeared that way.
Not a great look.
The Dolphins are 1-3, even lower than the dumpster fire that is New England. With some gumption and a little luck, they may end up in third place when all is said and done.
Here’s what should happen: Tue should retire and spend the rest of his days like the Dread Pirate Roberts, living like a king in Patagonia.
Here’s what will happen: Tua will return in week eight, and everything will go back to normal. Until the next time he gets destroyed.
Fantasy Tip: Odell isn’t worth rostering. If Raheem Mostert is on your roster, hold on to him. Everything with this franchise is so crazy that they might just want to slow things down and give the rock to Uncle Raheem for some old school yards up the middle.
The New England Patriots are David Schwimmer as Ross Gellar on Friends
Because they ruin everything.
No one cares about the Patriots and I’m saying that as a lifelong Patriots fan. After two decades in the sun the franchise is ghosts and legends and nothing of value anywhere else. The defense is better than average, and Christian Gonzalez appears to be a hell of a shut down player, but by the time there are enough pieces around him to make him even think about staying, his rookie contract will be over and he’ll quickly find out that the Pats don’t drop cheddar on pricey corners.
The offense is a cesspool. Their #1 pick at quarterback looks like he needs a couple seasons in the oven before anyone is ready to eat. What a legacy you’ve left behind, Bill Belichick. What a class act.
Fantasy tip: steer clear. If you absolutely need someone from the Pats, Kendrick Bourne is a pro’s pro coming off an ACL injury, so keep tabs. Someday Ja’Lynn Polk will be an excellent player. It’s a crying shame he got abducted by this franchise. It’ll get worse before it gets better.
The New York Jets are Rob McElhenney as Ian Grimm on Mythic Quest
Believing their own bullshit with every fiber of their being, because sometimes it seems like it works.
Last year, Aaron Rodgers signed with the Jets, carried an American flag onto the field on opening night and then proceeded to step on a Lego and wreck his Achilles like four minutes into his first game.
A nightmare ensued. The Jets were awful.
But they survived. Head coach Robert Saleh kept his job and babysat everyone for a year of abject misery until the prodigal son returned, somehow fruitier than ever and also somehow bizarrely conservative and anti-woke. Aaron Rodgers is an enigma. I watched some behind the scenes stuff where he seemed like a great guy and I couldn’t detect a whiff of crazy and then he’ll go on talk shows and crazy it the hell up. I don’t get it.
But no matter! Because boy howdy was it worth the wait! The Jets offense is #1 with a bullet and Rodgers has turned the Jets top receiver, Garrett Wilson, into the next Davante Adams!
Oh wait…hang on.
Yeahhhh my numbers are off. What are those numbers that Aaaron Rodgers, flying in on his magic carpet, hath wrought?
Yards per game: 294.8, which ranks 23rd
Points per play: 0.310, which ranks 20th
Yards per play: 4.8, which ranks 26th
3D conversion percentage: 46.30%, which ranks 3rd
Passing yards: 221.3 per game, which ranks 16th
Rushing yards: 91.5 per game, which ranks 27th
Total yards per game: 312.8, which ranks 23rd
OOOOOhhhhh. That’s not great. But what about the Davante Adams part?
Oh, I see. He’s not turning Garrett Wilson into Davante Adams, he’s getting Davante Adams to demand a trade so that he can REPLACE Garrett Wilson with Davante Adams.
Huh.
Someday I’d love to interview Garrett Wilson about how much he hates Aaron Rodgers. Shame, because if you’re Aaron’s buddy, he gets you jobs. He demanded last year that the Jets sign Randall Cobb, who was older than most mummified pharaohs, and this year he got Allen Lazard a gig with the Jets. It pays to tap a little patchouli on the back of your neck, Garrett, if you want to feast at the weird table of Dr. Rodgers.
Well how about the run game? I’m a huge Breece Hall fan. Dude had like a 5.2 yards per carry average last year when the team had a hologram for an offensive line and their quarterback was a blueberry strudel. His numbers must be SICK this year with future Hall of Famer A-A-ron Rodgers taking snaps!
Breece is currently at 3.1 yards per carry and is being outgained by his rookie backup. Hall’s 2024 season stats rank him: T-15th in carries, 28th in rushing yards, T-14th in rushing touchdowns, and T-46th in yards per carry.
Yikes. This is supposed to be a top-3 running back.
So what do we take from this? Well, the biggest indicator will come this weekend versus a kick-ass Vikings team in the UK. It will be a litmus test for which version of the Jets we’re likely to see going forward. I’m not optimistic, but who knows? Maybe Davante Adams will change everything. The Jets are an anemic 2-2, with hopes for a better tomorrow.
Fantasy Tip: Braelon Allen is the real deal. Go get him in dynasty leagues.
The Houston Texans are Krys Marshall as Danielle Poole on For All Mankind
Because they’re always overlooked, but damnit, they can do your job better than you can.
At a point in the recent past, the Texans shipped an alleged serial offender the hell out of town and since then, it’s just been parades and jukebox-dancin’ for the Texans. They can do no wrong.
Now, we did have sliiiiiightly higher hopes for what this team might be than what it’s currently showing, but still, despite a few injuries, the basic structure of the team remains intact. The addition of back Joe Mixon from Cincinnati has injected some toughness into the run game, taking a wee bit of pressure off of second year wunderkind C.J. Stroud. Nico Collins is playing like a man possessed, way out ahead of the NFL field where he has 17 explosive plays of 15 or more yards, and the next closest player has nine. He is a full sized Snickers bar in a world of bite-sized Snickers bars.
New addition Stephon Diggs has carved out a secondary role for himself and so far he’s a huge asset. Not even a peep anywhere about him being, y’know, like a universally loathed locker-room cancer.
But maybe it’s the Tank Dell of it all that has people like me wondering why this offense isn’t Greatest-Sow-On-Turf’ing other teams out the yard. Dell, a superstar in the making, has been an afterthought so far. Under defensive minded coach DeMeco Ryans, the Texans seem content to win without literally blowing the bloody doors off the opposition. The defense is stout, the offense is capable. But instead of feeling like a fait accompli, this team fills me with dread.
They opened with a pretty okay win over a moderately rudderless Indy team, 29-27. Always good to nab that first W right out of the gate, especially on the road. Whew! But 27 points on that much-heralded defense? Hmmm. Then the Bears come to town and they edge them, 19-13. I use that verb intentionally. The Bears defense is legit, but we’ve now come to find out that the Bears offense is as brackish as a bathtub full of three-week old camel urine. Still, a win’s a win, amirite? The Texans are feeling good at 2-0 when they take a leisurely flight up to Minnesota OH YAH YOU BETCHA YAH and get drawn and quartered by former bust Sam Darnold, 34-7. Sure, the Vikes defense has now been identified as excellent, but seven? Seven points? Seven? Seven is Mickey Mantle’s number and the secret name that George Costanza was hoarding for personal use. It is not the number of points a team like the Texans, picked by many to contend for the AFC title, is meant to come away from a regular season game with.
A 24-20 win over a nincompoop team from Jacksonville did little to assuage the concerns. Now it’s anyone’s guess who or what this Texans team is. They’re 3-1 atop the AFC South, a division which would qualify for food stamps if median ability was tied to food insecurity, so they’re not in much danger, but I think we’ll all know more when the Bills come to town this weekend.
Fantasy Tip: Buy Tank Dell from an exasperated owner. This team has a horrible schedule and they’re going to need to throw to win. Dell provides the best matchups with nickel corners.
The Indianapolis Colts are Mackenzie Davis as Cameron Howe on Halt and Catch Fire
Because you fight and kick and will yourself to small win after small win, but the universe loves to keep messing with your plans.
I like Colts coach Shane Steichen. Does he look like a guy who would sell you a dime bag behind the local Woolworths? You bet. That only makes me like him more.
Steichen has really turned this franchise around after the Jesus-Take-The-Wheel prayer circle that was the short-lived Frank Reich era. I love the choices Steichen makes. I love how he evaluates players. I think this team is straight poppin’ with young-buck talent.
So why do I feel better with World War Two Ace fighter pilot and part-time magician Joe Flacco at the helm rather than superamazingincrediblebangbang man of the moment, Anthony Richardson? Aren’t we a youth-based economy, grinding man-hours out of our young so that our elderly can eat brunch at Mar-A-Lago? Why do I feel so dodgy about the yoot?
Because, so far, he’s not quite up to snuff.
Now I’m not saying he can’t eventually be amazing. The hope is that he’ll work up to a place where he’s as good as a JV Jayden Daniels, who is actually a year older than him, despite being a rookie. Before this season Richardson had started a total of 19 games at quarterback in his life. That’s high school, college and the pros. Nineteen total. Not nineteen a year. When you consider an average high school season is about 8 games and a college season is about 12, this dude has barely started for a full season of either. His raw talent is jaw-dropping, but I just don’t think he fundamentally ‘gets’ the position yet. I’d start Flacco, mentor him, and get him to a place where the game slows down for him. He has so much more physical prowess than your average bear, it would be a shame to Bryce Young him and wreck his confidence or RGIII him and get him so injured he loses his speed.
The Colts defense is a cry for help, but their starting running back is one of the best in the league. They have a heady mix of offensive weapons at receiver. If someone can get them the ball, there’s a lot of mismatch level talent they could employ. They’ll need it, because with that sieve of a defense, every game will be a shootout.
At 2-2 they’re on a small win streak against some decent quality opponents. That’s good coaching. They’re not going to win any titles this year but they may be a thorn in the side of the Texans.
Fantasy Tip: Don’t sleep on Adonai Mitchell. He’s lost some playing time thanks to Alec Pierce and the back-from-injury Josh Downs, but he’s special.
The Jacksonville Jaguars are Max Burkholder as John Bennett on Ted
Because he’s a little slow on the uptake, but his heart is in the right place.
I can’t hate the Jags because that would be like hating a puppy. The Jags are a threat to no one. Yes, they’re technically opponents, but most of the time you can just sit back and watch them destroy themselves. It’s true that the current Doug Pederson era has been infinitely better than the Urban Meyer non-coaching fiasco, but even so, the Jags are 0-4 and the players look like they’d give back half their money and concede every remaining game so they could go home and play Grand Theft Auto instead.
“Generational Talent” Trevor Lawrence is anything but. I did love him as a child actor in the How To Train Your Dragon Movies, though.
I expect Pederson to be shown the door fairly soon, but this team needs the kind of overhaul an interim coach cannot accomplish. I wish the NFL would just sack up, move the team to London, rename them the Monarchs, and then, at least, we’d have something of an identity to build.
The offense bites. The defense bites. The special teams bite.
Bright spots? Tank Bigsby, after being sort of a punchline in how not to be a pro last year has come back with a vengeance. The improvement is so dramatic I was wondering if he was on performance enhancing drugs. Not really wondering, per se, but that’s the degree of improvement. You have to love a person that changes their story like that. Good for him.
Fantasy Tip: On any other team, Brian Johnson Jr. would be on Wheaties boxes already. Even on the lowly Jags, he’s on pace for 1200 yards as a rookie and is, after four games, already commanding a huge share of first look plays. Even though you’ll pay more for him, he’s worth it.
The Tennessee Titans are William Jackson Harper as Chidi Anagonye in The Good Place
Because at first you’re like, am I with this? Then you really dig the vibe.
I’m not expecting that everyone loves the Titans. Yet.
They’re 1-3 in the AFC South, barely treading water above the miserable Jags, but there’s a lot to like about this team.
T’Vondre Sweat is a warrior monk from ancient lore. He’s a 368 pound defensive tackle that runs a 5.2 40. I’ve watched all of his snaps and I never see him get pushed backward one inch. He is a revelation on that defensive line.
You can say that Will Levis sucks at quarterback, but I love the guy. Did he single-handedly blow games by literally giving the ball away to the enemy? Yep. Did his coach threaten him and demand that he stop? Yep. Did he do it again? Yep. Twice.
But you can teach that out of him. Better decision making will come, but I’ll take a raw kid who hates to lose and plays with the heart of a lion any day over some ghost-seeing, eephus-pitching natterer who can’t tag a flanker outside the numbers on a greasy string. Levis has a cannon. Have cannon, will travel. We used to love gunslingers ‘round these parts! We’ve always abided the daffy Jameis Winston types because they can sling it. What’s the difference with Will Levis?
It doesn’t matter what side of that discussion we’re on. Levis will either figure it out or he won’t. If he does, he’s going to be a franchise quarterback with a howitzer for a long time. If not, he’ll hold a clipboard behind someone in Seattle or Los Angeles or New York. Definitely not Miami. They don’t like backup QBs who can throw.
Lots to like about the defense. Lots to like about the young, speedy two-headed running attack. Lots to like about a legend like DHop paired with a slasher with speed like CRid. If this team can put a few things together, they could spend much of this year playing spoiler.
A lot of that will depend on head coach Brian Callahan. I want to like him, but something has me cautious about giving him my trust.
Fantasy Tip: Lots of people dropped Calvin Ridley. Keep an eye on him. If Hopkins is traded and/or if Levis gets it together, the Titans have one of the best late-season schedules for wide receivers.
The Denver Broncos are Rufus Sewell as Hal Wyler on The Diplomat
Because even when everything in the world says to trust them, you’d be out of your mind to do it.
The Diplomat is so much fun. Go watch it.
The Broncos are less fun, if only for the presence of Sean Payton, a coach who was suspended for his involvement/accountability in paying “bounties” to hurt players on other teams. He’s a real peach. In order to hire him, the Broncos had to trade first round draft picks to the Saints. Can you imagine? This guy is so in demand that a franchise would leverage it’s highest capital draft picks to bring him in to helm the ship of state.
So far, he’s 10-11 as the Broncos head coach.
It’s tough to turn things around without first round draft picks.
So how are the Broncos? Well, their defense is full of firecrackers and they swarm tackle. It’s great. The offense? Not so much. This is one of those teams without a legit NFL starting caliber quarterback. Bo Nix seems like a good kid, but he’s a messy player and doesn’t have a great arm. The running back room is a mess, and the one interesting prospect they had got his back broken in the first game they planned to give him a bigger role. That feels appropriate for this franchise. I’m not saying that the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe is looming above them, destined to turn their hopes to dust, but there’s not a tremendous amount to get giddy about as a Denver fan.
The wideouts are a middling, Patriot-level slopfest of has-beens and retreads, led by a guy who would be a decent number two on a good team. Greg Dulcich, who has hair for days, is a null set so far at TE. This team may win a few defense-centric kicker duels, but it’s painful to watch.
The Broncos are 2-2 in the AFC West and are at least a year away from being worth talking about.
Fantasy Tip: Keep an eye out for Audric Estime. With Badie out, he should become the lead back. Get him now, while he’s hurt. They have no one else.
The Las Vegas Raiders are Polly Walker as Atia of the Julii on Rome
Because inheriting the franchise doesn’t mean the genetics are good.
I don’t think the Raiders ownership is evil, but nothing good ever happens to the Raiders and you have to think that something in the organization is fundamentally broken other than the eyesight of their in-house barber.
Where to start? I’ve enjoyed the tenure of head coach and former player Antonio Pierce the way you enjoy seeing people run away from a flipped car on the highway before it bursts into flames. It’s like a romper room over there.
For starters, they have former porn star/door-to-door flowbee salesman Garner Minshew at quarterback because last year’s splashy QB draft pick Aidan O’Connell can’t make a second read or hit a westbound Amtrak superliner with a regulation pigskin. This is not a judgment about Minshew. I love everything about him but how he plays football.
At wide receiver they have all-pro Davante Adams, and…
One sec. This just in. Davante Adams demanded a trade because he wants to run across a field with open arms to his BFF Aaron Rodgers as Lady in Red plays over top. Before the demand became public, when it was just rumor and innuendo, a Las Vegas beat reporter posted on Instagram that he thought Davante Adams had played his last snap as a Raider and HEAD COACH ANTONIO PIERCE LIKED IT.
My stars. Allow me to clutch my pearls and condescendingly say that this is not how we do things in the N.F.L. thankyouverymuch.
So it’s generally an idiot toboggan owned by a billionaire you wouldn’t hire to can your rhubarbs.
Football wise, any hope?
Well, there are a few good players on defense. Maxx Crosby missed his calling as a Barbary Coast pirate so instead he plays defensive end. Maxx has two X’s in his name. The second one is for her pleasure. He also has some sweet-ass tats. True story: his daughter seen pictured here was first just a tat on his body and then the Raiders 3D printed her as a gift using the money they’ve saved by never hiring a professional quarterback, coordinator or head coach.
The Raiders have the most promising young tight end in the league and rookie Tre Tucker is shifty as a mongoose in a barrel rolling down a hill. That’s it.
The Raiders are 2-2. In all my years, I will never understand how they topped the Ravens in week two and got me eliminated from my survivor pool. That was a Miracle on Ice level shocker.
Fantasy Tip: Adams is done in LV. I love Jacoby Meyers but he’ll now draw the top cover corners. Tre Tucker is the piece you want, if you’re crazy enough to want any of these pieces.
The Los Angeles Chargers are Bokeem Woodbine as Mike Milligan in Fargo S2
Because sometimes they look like they’re in charge but then you realize they’re just Kansas City’s hired help.
Fresh off his escape from whispers of lawbreaking at the college ranks, Jim Harbaugh returns to the NFL’s lofty ranks. If you could animate khaki pants and imbue them with the jauntiness of a post-diabeetus Wilford Brimley, you’d get Jim Harbaugh. My heart goes out to quarterback Justin Herbert. Last year he had a clown for a coach and this year he has a fossil. Some people never get a break.
On the field, too. Everywhere else in the league, when a player has a high ankle sprain they get put on injured reserve and take four weeks to heal. In Chargerland, Herbert winces, pretends like he’s fine, re-injures his high ankle sprain in the next game and shrugs and pretends like he’s fine again. And on and on ad infinitum.
Jim Harbaugh believes in The Code of Jim Harbaugh and The Code of Jim Harbaugh means runnin’ the ball, playin’ good defense and eatin’ enough fiber so that your BMs come out so clean that toilet paper is unnecessary. There is no smiling, no roughhousing, no horseplay, no grabass and no running in the pool area.
There is also no way to tell what this team is yet. They beat two of the worst teams in the league, the Raiders and Bryce Young Panthers, and lost to two of the best, the Chiefs and Steelers. Harbaugh is going to do what Harbaugh does. Run the ball, play good defense, and have award-winning BMs.
A huge, shocking, bright surprise this season has been the recovery and excellence of J.K. Dobbins, a running back who is always hurt and tore the everliving hell out of his achilles tendon last season. Some thought he’d never play again, but he beat the odds and literally rewrote the range of outcomes for achilles injuries. Fingers crossed that he stays healthy.
Herbert is a top flight quarterback, but it feels like he’s going to be dinged up all season. They did surround him with some decent pieces, though. Rookie Ladd McConkey looks vibrant, and has a natural connection with Herbert. One of the biggest wide receiver busts of last year, Quentin Johnson, looks like an entirely new player. They aren’t enough to win, but they’re enough to be moderately competitive until they can bring in some help next season.
The defense looks completely re-invigorated and will play at an extremely high level until Joey Bosa gets hurt and is out for the year, which is an event you can set your watch to.
I poke fun at Jim Harbaugh because he’s a goddamned grizzly bear and an intransigent, curmudgeonly sonofabitch, but the truth is that this dude has forgotten more about football than most people will ever know and as much as his schtick seems dated, wins follow this guy wherever he goes.
I’m pretty confident they’ll follow him to Los Angeles, just not many of them this year.
Finally…
The Kansas City Chiefs are Jean Smart as Deborah Vance in Hacks
Because every single time you count them out they find a way to remind you that they’re just plain more talented than everyone else.
It’s easy to root for a team with a likable QB and Coach combo. I don’t really like the Chiefs but every time I see Andy Reid win a Super Bowl, it makes my day. It’s not hard to get behind Big Red.
This team is a head-scratcher and it must be how people felt when Belichick would roll his boring-ass Patriot Way into town, Tom Brady would throw three touchdowns, get your sister to fall in love with him and they’d roll back out with a win. Insult + Injury.
Mahomes, like Brady, is a difference maker. Like them or not, they make wins out of losses. It’s one of the best things and one of the worst things about football. The quarterback matters more than any other position in any other sport. Except maybe a rocket-hot hockey goalie who’s a wall in the playoffs. Sometimes, all it takes is a dude you can’t score on. Mahomes is that good. Take his eye off him for a second and those mom hips of his are thirty yards downfield.
The Chiefs have not been the best team in the league in years. That minor fact has not stopped them from decimating opponents and winning it all. Twice.
This year, they looked like they were sick of having to over-achieve and stocked the larder with the most talent they’ve had since the Tyreek Hill days of yore. It can’t be fun to keep missing on speedsters who don’t have the head or the hands for the game, but Rashee Rice finally broke that pattern. Then he got injured, and in bizarre fashion, no one seems to know what injury he has. Is he out for a few games or the season? Apparently there’s so much swelling in his knee they can’t tell if his ACL is torn. That’s a new one for me, but here’s hoping it isn’t because he’s a beautiful player to watch and he was all set to take the place of Travis Kelce as LORD OF THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD.
Now Kelce, diminished and moving into the West of his career like so many Galadhrim, will have to approximate his former dominance. Lots of people think he doesn’t have the juice anymore, but people who have bet against the vociferousness and lethality of the Mahomes/Kelce mind meld have often come away with a bleeding rectum. Figuratively. Don’t bet against them is what I’m saying.
Their top wideout wasn’t the only star they lost. Isaiah Pacheco, a human battering ram who runs high-kneed like he’s mashing letters on an old school typewriter, is out for most of the season. Ditto for Hollywood Brown, a wily trickster they poached from Arizona. That has left the cupboard relatively bare considering the groceries they bought coming into the year. It’s forcing them to rely on some of the underwhelming speedsters who have already proven their lack of utility- names like Mecole Hardman and Skyy Moore.
Still, they’ll keep winning. They have the terrifying Chris Jones wreaking havoc on defense and enough ancillary pieces around him to keep them in games. That’s all a player the level of Patrick Mahomes needs. Just a sliver of opportunity and he’ll rain touchdowns on you.
The Chiefs are undefeated, sitting at 4-0 with wins over four good teams. The next two weeks will be a test: hosting the up-and-coming Saints and then going on the road to face the Forty Niners in a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl.
Fantasy Tip: Don’t waste roster spots trying to figure out which back to own or which wideout will pop off on any given week. Mahomes hasn’t been a good fantasy quarterback in two years. If I had to roster a boom/bust option, it’s Xavier Worthy, but you’ll have some threadbare days.
That’s all there is to write about the NFL at this point, and if you’ve made it this far, remember that things change quickly and almost all of this information will be proven to be outdated, incorrect or irrelevant by the end of the gameday on Monday. The NFL as a whole can be pretty tough to stomach, but on a team by team basis, there’s still a lot to get excited about.
